Halloween

*Last night Andrew and I were putting up Halloween decorations.  I remembered this blog I’d written a couple of years ago.  Thankfully, I will again be home this year.

“She’s never here for Halloween.”  When I heard my son say those words to my friend, my head did a 180-degree turn.  “What the heck are you talking about,” I cried.  “I’ve only missed two Halloweens in your whole entire life!  Out of 10 years, I missed the one when you were eight, and the one this past year.” He turned, looked at my friend and said, “Oh.  Ok. Whatever.”

I couldn’t believe it.  He doesn’t think I’m here for Halloween?  Halloween is my favorite holiday!  I love dressing up, I love decorating, and I love buying the very best candy to give to trick or treaters.  What was he thinking?

In his mind, I’ve not been there.  His most recent recollection is I was away.  He doesn’t know the turmoil I felt in accepting the speaking engagements that took me away.  He doesn’t realize that they were great opportunities, or that financially, I really had no choice.  All he remembers is I wasn’t there.

No justification on my part will change his memory.  No explanation of how I’m at most of his activities will make up for the fact that in his mind, I’m not home on Halloween.

Great.  One more time for me to feel like I am not a good mom.  One more example of how my travel affects him.  One more reason to be mad that I don’t have the luxury of staying home with my son. These are the times when I want to just stop trying.  What does it matter?  He remembers when I’m not there, not the times when I am.

Or, maybe, this is another reminder that what I do with him and for him does matter.  That sometimes, I make choices that are hard.  Sometimes, I don’t get to be the mom I dreamed of being.

That is my life.  That’s just the way it is.  Instead of beating myself up for my decisions, I accept that sometimes things aren’t the way I’d like them to be, and then I move on to the next challenge.

When he looks back, surely he’ll remember many times when I was there.  When I didn’t miss the activity.  When we did share special moments and holidays.

Right now, I have to give myself a break.  I have to remember that he’s loved, cared for and cherished.  Yes, I have missed a couple of Halloweens.  In the grand scheme of our life, that’s not too bad.

Time to breathe and to begin thinking about celebrating the next Halloween.  The one next year when I will be home.