My response to 17 Things To Expect When You Date A Girl Who’s Used To Being On Her Own…

I read The Thought Catalog’s blog, 17 Things To Expect When You Date A Girl Who’s Used To Being On Her Own…  I thought it needed a little help. So, here’s what I think about those 17 things…

1.  Expect her to do her own thing often and without letting you know, at least a first. It’s not that you don’t matter; it’s just that she’s learned to love doing what she wants, when she wants, and without asking permission or informing anyone.

Ok…true. Do we EVER need permission? No. Is this really an issue? Are you (new dating partner) so needy in the beginning that you are expecting us to frequently check in with you? Red flag. But, in a relationship there is compromise and a mutual expectation that WE are in this together, so then it’s respectful if we do clue each other into our days…but, still no permissions needed.

 2She’ll probably want to take things slowly because she’ll not be used to all the attention. Don’t think she doesn’t like you enough, she probably likes you a lot; it’s just all new to her.

“All this attention?” Again, red flag. Both parties should want to take things slowly…because we are getting to know each other…and that’s what dating is for. How many times do people “jump right in” and then realize this prince or princess is really a big, ugly frog? Take it slow…no need to rush.

 3. Expect her friends to be overprotective of her and to be suspicious of you at first. They’re not used to her being with someone and they’ll want to make sure you’re the kind of guy who will treat her well.

Please see #2. Her friends have every reason to be suspicious. She makes bad decisions. So do you. You need to prove yourself, to her and to her friends.

4. She’ll have a hard time letting you do things for her. Try not to take this personally. She’s just used to taking care of herself and it’ll be hard for her to live in a world where she’s got someone else looking out for her in that way.

Isn’t this a good thing? She should be able to take care of herself…and not try to take care of or fix you. You don’t need a mama and neither does she. You are dating…remember this…you are dating. Open a door? Go for it. Pay for dinner? Please do. Want to come into her territory and start telling her how she should do things or live her life? Go home.

5. Expect her to be stubborn, to always want things her way, and to fight you when she doesn’t get it. Don’t always give in to her, but do let her win sometimes.

“Let her win sometimes?” RED FLAG. How about both of you be flexible and compromise, but, “fight you?” RED FLAG! It’s not about winning or losing…you are trying to build a relationship, correct?

6. She needs to be left alone often especially when you first start seeing each other and it should feel like she’s head over heels. Believe that she has more butterflies in her stomach than she knows what to do with, which is why she’ll need to compose herself.

Please see #2. Yes, she needs to be left alone…so do you. Butterflies = feelings=heart. “Follow your heart” = dumbest quote ever. Wait and get your head in the game. Head+heart=good decisions. (Most of the time. There are no absolutes.)

7. Expect her to pull away from you, especially when she realizes how much she likes you. She’ll come back to you but she’ll need time to think her feelings through.

At this point, she’s scared of you. She’s wondering if you are real. You may catch her staring at you. Deal with it.

8. She’ll question you, sometimes directly, sometimes implicitly, about your feelings for her. She’ll always want to know if they are real or if she’s making things up in her head.

This is called vulnerability. You are starting to understand she’s not so strong after all. Be kind. Deal with it. If your feelings aren’t sincere, this is your time to go…she’s starting to believe you matter in her life.

9. Expect her to be headstrong. She’ll tell you, “I’ve got this,” more than you’ll want to hear. But she’ll get used to your offers to help. And in time she’ll know how to let go of the tight grip she seems to have on everything.

See #8. If this isn’t for real for you, you really need to go. It’s real for her.

10. She’ll be guarded, and she won’t be keen on letting you in. She’s waiting to see if you’re patient, she’s waiting to see if you’re worth it. She’s hoping that you’re worth it.

Blah, blah, blah. Covered this in #8 and #9.

11. Expect her to be stingy with trust, to only give a little bit at a time. But every time she gives you a little, it’ll feel like a big step for her. Cherish these big steps.

(This is really starting to get annoying. We covered this in #8, 9 and 10.) But, do you see a pattern here? Why is this girl/woman/female on her own? Could it be because she’s having some trust issues? Probably some real reasons why…we don’t make this stuff up…

12. She’ll come across as strong, maybe too strong for you at first. But don’t be intimidated, this is her outer shell. And when you get to know her, you’ll know she’s strong but soft; tough but kind.

We’ve covered this. Enough already. Woman is tough on the outside. It’s real, but she’s also a softie. You won’t see that part unless you are real with her.

13. Expect her to be reserved, at least about the things that matter. Until you really get to know her. And then you’ll see the untamed, raw, and always beautiful open version of her that she’ll let you fully discover.

You screw with this, and You. Are. Doomed.

14. She’ll be slow with her vulnerabilities, and hide many of her weaknesses. And when she shows you them, she’ll feel naked. Clothe her with your words.

(This one JUST about made me scream.) We can clothe ourselves. You want to do something real for us? Then clothe us with your actions. Your ACTIONS. We hear what you say when you SHOW us what you do.

15. Expect her not to need you, and not to believe in needing much of anything at all. But she’ll want And when she does, it’ll be the most exhilarating feeling you’ve ever experienced.

Why exhilarating, you ask? Because you will never question if she is using you. Just wait. You’ll get it.

16. She’ll be scared – scared to be hurt, scared to love, and be loved. Scared that you’ll eventually hurt her or leave her and if and when that happens, she won’t know who she was before.

(Again…I wanted to scream.) Yes, she will be scared. It’s not fun to get hurt. But, trust me. We know who we are. It may take a little while to remember, but we know who we are. What we won’t know is who you are…because we will have moved on. Please…don’t come back.

17. Being alone is her default, it’s her comfort zone. But expect her to fall in love with you faster than she’ll admit and in a way that isn’t loud but still powerful; it’ll be like a little bit of heaven. And it won’t matter if you love her for a while or for a lifetime; her love will change both you and her forever.

Of course love changes us…it always does. That’s why we need to take it slow. Love is not a feeling. It’s action. It’s a commitment. It’s a statement. It’s time. It’s not something to take lightly. Whether it’s an independent woman, a shy girl, a grown man, a teenage boy or a mature couple, love heals and hurts. Love is for a moment or for a lifetime.

Love never fails. Be kind.




  1. Veronica on October 15, 2014 at 10:27 am

    Loved this and so agree.

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